Perseverance

Brylee was learning this new word this week at daycare. At 11 weeks, her vocabulary is stronger than mine already! At least I can spell it: P-E-R-S-E-V-E-R-A-N-C-E (thank you spell check!)

This morning I felt anything but.

Brylee has the most amazing timing, and by that, I mean she will call on us when it is the most inconvenient (this is the ONE word I cannot spell).

This morning, it was while I was pumping. It was 6:45 in the morning, Cary was trying to catch up on any last minute sleeping, Chester had to go potty, and of course, I was in a bind. I listened to her cry for about 7 minutes before I just gave up, did what had to do, and scooped her up to feed her.

So while feeding her (luckily I had warmed the bottle before in anticipation of her waking), I started questioning my priorities, schedule, and the stress of our day.

Now here's a little background. For some of you, it might be too much information, but to get my thoughts straightened out, I need to do it.

We exclusively bottle feed Brylee. I pump and give her what I can that way, but the first few (crucial) days, Brylee and I didn't see eye-to-eye. And determined to still provide her with 'mommy's best', I decided to go about this way.

Now, this is probably where I should have been more stubborn then my 2-day-old at the time, but it was a new world, I didn't like strangers coming into my room and trying to teach me how it's done (I'm very self-conscious), and I was just tired and sore. So we compromised.

And since, it has almost been a very happy world for all of us. Cary gets to bond with her, just like I do, and it isn't just on me to get up in the middle of the night for feedings (did I tell you how amazing my husband is??!). While he feeds her, I can pump, and this is 15 minutes 3-5 times a day that is 'my time'.

The problems I have, though, is that because I don't nurse her, I don't produce much. Maybe 100 mls in a day. Our child drinks 120 per feeding. But I treat what I produce like liquid gold; while formula costs more, this is more rare and precious, filled with the immunities that she needs.

But the 3-5 times a day leaves me vulnerable. Either I get to listen to my child cry, I don't get to hold her just before she goes to bed for the night, or I have to stop what I'm doing to pump (and lug around the equipment when I go out) or suffer the consequences (how do women who exclusively nurse do it?!?!). And the apartment is feeling neglected (almost as much as Chester is).

When we get up in the morning, its a race against time to get to work and Brylee to daycare. After work, its a race against time to make sure everything is in order to be able to go to bed and get ready for the next day. This isn't including Cary studying; we need to fit that in somehow.

At work, my supervisor worked with my schedule the best she could to help me out with this situation. She has a 1-year old, and understands the mothering situation. But the time allotted for this barely allows for what needs to be done, and it is my entire morning/afternoon break. This does not include going to the restroom or refilling my water glass before I have to be back on the phones, or my adherence is affected (how much we stick to our schedule--such is life when working in a call center).

I had the hopes of giving 'Mommy's Best' to Brylee from anywhere between 4-6 months, when solids start and it will get more hectic. But when I started thinking this morning, I started wondering if that is feasible. Cary is doing his best to make things easier on me. But taking away this task gives me an extra hour or so daily that I can use to work on things needed to do.

It's almost been 3 months. I know children have done really well just formula fed (Cary and I were). Things would be much easier for all of us if we just do this change. But I feel broken-hearted when I think about it. And Cary is encouraging me with staying with the same schedule, if that is what I want.

Persevere.

He is even offering to help out with the morning feedings.

Persevere.

But he needs his rest; he also needs to focus on studying. It doesn't seem fair to ask him to take on this additional feeding when he does so much already.

I don't want to raise my kid to give up too easily in life, much like I did the first few days of her little life. I want to instill in her that to follow through with challenges will reap amazing benefits, that God created us to persevere, because He knows what challenges we face daily, as humans and as Christians.

I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to get pity. I guess this post is more so that I can look back and hopefully see that we overcame this (tiny) challenge, preparing for the next adventure, possibly much more challenging. We will persevere.